Have you ever met someone for the first time and run out of conversation after the first 5 minutes? Welcome to the human race. As funny as it may sound, we are not all gifted in the art of small talk or how to carry a conversation beyond the small talk stage.

So what do you say to teen you are meeting for the first when you are in their environment? Especially when first starting out, contact work can be intimidating and even the most gifted person can get stuck for words.

Wiley Scott shares the power of getting to know a young person.

Each of the questions below is to help you with an initial conversation starter. Each question is designed to build upon the pervious question to help you begin to develop a friendship. The first few questions are one word response questions, but they help you build the conversation. Remember, people generally like to talk about themselves. Also, remember to introduce yourself and anyone else you may have with you.

Your job is to think of one or two other questions that you could use to help the conversation along.

1. What is your name?
2. Where do you live?
3. Who do you live with?
4. What do you do with your time?
5. Where do you go for holidays and what do you do?
6. What things are you interested in doing with your spare time/future?
7. What do you think about                                   ?

Practice the discipline of learning names. Use whatever system will help best.

Look for ways to serve young people – taking a group home (but only those of the same sex!), keeping charts for games. Caution must be used, however, to prevent giving the impression of buy­ing their friendship.

Do not attempt to be one of the kids. We are leaders aware of our age, yet loving and genuinely interested in them and in their affairs. They need to see adult models.

Through established friendships, seek to know others. Sometimes we can receive a lot of help from those we know. But be careful to love kids for who they are and not what they can do for you or the club.

Do not force your way into certain social situations where you would not be wel­come, such as parties or some group dis­cussions. Pray always for sensitivity here.

Avoid making fun of young people. This is the most dangerous kind of humour.

Be careful about talking too much of your accomplishments or your own high school prowess.

Be yourself.  Do not try to impress with overdone or clever antics, or by imitating others.  You don’t have to be a comedian, athlete, personality‑plus, to love them.

Ask questions about school life when in conversation with high schoolers. Most people enjoy talking about these things.

Ask God for a sincere interest in young people. They can spot the feigned inter­est. We might not like all they do, but we can appreciate them as people.

Be casual. Don’t work too hard at being friendly, with a lot of hand shaking or rapid patter, unless this is natural to you.

Develop a sense of humour.  Find what fits you best.

Be adaptable. Expect to have to change pace from time to time. We cannot pre­dict the adolescent behaviour.

Keep close personal records of significant contact, including the adult community. Some sort of diary is of great value, especially in our prayer life.

Seek to gain friendships with all types of young people, both school leaders and fol­lowers. Many of them will have great potential for leading their friends or par­ticular activity group.

Cheerfulness and enthusiasm are conta­gious.

In many areas, adults are not welcome in the halls of a school. Study the situa­tion carefully.

Have a valid reason for being there. You may have to forego any contact work in the buildings.

Every school situation or neighbourhood is unique. Work out a plan or strategy that fits your local picture.

Pray for those you have met, or want to meet. Enlist prayer support from inter­ested adults or Christian young people.

Contact work is never finished. There are always new ones to get to know. It is this continued effort to be their friend that wins the right to be heard with our message of Jesus Christ. Once the right has been won, work on the right of continued hearing.

Realise contact work is identification with people in a real way in the sense that Christ “the Word, became flesh and dwelt among them.”

Pray for kids as your eyes touch them. Ask God to lead you to those He wants you to meet. Make it a trusting experi­ence. God’s timing is not always ours.

Pray that God will lead you into deeper, relationships with specific kids. Ephesians 3:18, “That you, firmly fixed in love yourselves, may be able to grasp how wide and deep and long and high is the love of Christ, and to know for your­selves that love so far beyond our com­prehension.”

Be a person of integrity as so beautifully cited in 2 Corinthians 6:3‑10.

Do not draw people to yourself and keep them for your security reasons. Give friends every possible opportunity to grow. You are building the kingdom of God, not kingdoms unto yourself.

Remember the whole person, the family they come from, closest friends.  Take opportunities to introduce yourself to the parents / carers of the young people you’re working with and their friends.

Steve Chesney shares a story as to why meeting young people where they’re at is important. 

Adapted from articles by Neil Atkinson, Dick Langford and various other Young Life veterans

The Three Levels of Contact Work

1. Being seen at school affairs and wherever teens are. It is important for the leader seeking to build friendships to express his/her inter­est by attending events that are important to the teenager. This could be a school play, athletic event or practice session, or some other activity in which they are engaged. It could be a shopping centre, or street corner, or park. The leader might not say anything to anyone, but his or her presence there speaks of interest. It is good to remember the words of St. Francis of Assisi: “We preach Jesus Christ and, when necessary, we use words.”

2. Conversing with a young person. Before long the leader must step up to this second level and actually talk with someone. If he goes on just hanging around, suspicions will grow about his purposes. Real friendships can be built only through communication, and this communication must be more than an occasional “Hi!” We must remember to look at things from a young person’s point of view and learn to speak about things which are of interest to him or her.

3. Enjoying activities with young people. Of course, this is the finest way to get to know a young person. Fast friend­ships are built when we live one of life’s experiences with him or her. Suggestions follow:

Water and snow ski trips, fishing trips, college and professional athletic events, golf, having young people over for lunch or after a game, telephone vis­its, working on school projects or dec­orations, slumber parties, parade float building, touch football and pickup athletic events, weekend trips to the beach or mountains or cities, bicycling, handball, swimming, bowl­ing, weight lifting, chaperoning school events, athletic officiating, visiting a college or university, music (give gui­tar lessons or take lessons from teens, listen to their group practice), arts.

Leaders should use their imagina­tions and be constantly on the look­out for activities, which they may share with young people.

Established Clubs Need a Larger Picture.

Besides the three levels, we need to have in mind three categories of high school people. Think of it as a series of circles. The small circle consists of Campaigners. The Campaigners are the smallest segment of a high school popu­lation. A larger circle surrounding the Campaigners is the circle of club attendees. Club attendees make up the next largest seg­ment with which we have contact. The last group of young people, by far the largest, is the non‑club attendees. These are individuals, who for one reason or another, don’t come to Young Life.

As Young Life leaders, we need to inten­tionally make contact with teens in each of the three categories: Campaigners, club attendees and non‑club young people.  What fre­quently happens is that contact work is done with Campaigners and club attendees and is not done with non‑club kids on a regular basis. Seldom, if ever, do we get to level three contact work. Many Young Life leaders do nothing with non‑club attendees, not even converse. No wonder clubs don’t expand! We need to go back to rela­tionship development and get to non­-club kids at level three. We have to do something with them.

When Do We Do Contact?

In order to be effective, we must be regular in our approach to teens. It might mean going when we don’t feel like it. It is essential that a leader do contact weekly. Vary the time and type of your con­tacts. Do not give the young people the idea that you are there to build your own ministry or event. On the other hand, consistent attendance for a certain sport you are targeting can help provide the trust needed to develop relationships.